Another year has begun, and I haven't felt the will to write about anything interesting here, as I haven't been ruminating as lately on many issues and have mostly kept to myself. My New Year's eve was as eventless as ever and I never really understood why make such a big deal out of a new year when you're at my age and everything just kind of feels the same, although I fully understand how much this means to people just a bit older than me and especially elderly people which my family is mostly composed of. I don't do research before writing any of these even when I definitely should but ultimately this was made more as a platform for me to share my feelings and/or stories than a way to spread any kind of message for people, and speaking of that I haven't really talked about myself that much, even when in my life it seems all I talk about is myself. My family most likely celebrated New Years in an extravagant way out there in some luxurious place in my region that I have no interest in going to, as tensions grew even bigger between them from what I have been told. I don't like them very much and I have never liked them even as a kid, I always felt rejected by them and I don't think anything I do will change that especially nowadays where I couldn't give a damn about their approval and think of them as at the least boring and at most downright evil people. They have been going through rough times since 2 years ago and things have only seemed to gotten worse between them, knowing the types of grudges people their age feel also makes me wonder how these fights (which I have never witnessed personally but have always heard of from my grandma) will affect the family and their dynamics in the coming years. I don't like going to any reunions with them, I have no interest in talking to any of them, dislike parties or any kind of events of the sort, as well as the fact they just make me feel bad as I remember things from my childhood that are best left forgotten.
I have a habit of ruminating on things when I shouldn't, and sometimes I think my own brain hates me for making me remember some things or memories at the worst possible moment, like it wants to sabotage me for no reason in particular. Even as a kid I've had this as well as overthinking and semi-hypocondriac habits so strong that it makes me wonder how I've never developed any form of OCD from them as I had pretty much all of the childhood symptoms. This habit has caused me a lot of pain. Speaking of New Years about 2 years ago I had a panic attack at a family reunion after thinking about how my own death is inevitable and I'll eventually get old and die. I then spent over 4 months having these attacks on a minor scale or being unable to sleep every time I thought about such things, sometimes needing to be calmed down. Nowadays, I've accepted it and thinking about it doesn't phase me to the point my brain has stopped reminding me of it, a process that took a lot of thought and rationalization over almost a year. I probably wouldn't have been as affected by it or by several other things if my brain didn't make a point to constantly remind me of it at every opportunity completely against my will. I don't know if I should be grateful for it forcing me to deal with those thoughts instead of sweeping them under the rug like most people or angry at it for torturing me with them for no reason whatsoever other than causing me pain. It's not like I have another personality or anything, but I feel like I just fight against my own brain sometimes and have to talk down to it so it'll stop being an asshole. Is that normal? I dunno, if anyone could tell me I'd be grateful to know, genuinely.
On the topic of New Years, I don't really believe things will be different or I will be different this time around. I'll be happy to be proven wrong and honestly wish I am, but things seem to be heading at the same direction as always, which I don't really know what I even mean by that but I hope it's not bad. I suffered a lot last year and it was really difficult to deal with all the stuff that happened sequentially, I had to go to the hospital thrice within a few months, dealt with depression, anxiety relating to friendships, my future and the pressure of it being the year I graduated, it was really tough and I'm surprised I survived all of that, so I hope this year will be at least a bit less harsh to me but at the same time I worry things will somehow get worse. I don't think thinking about what could happen is that good a thing to do so I don't give much thought, but in the back of my mind I worry since the last 3 years of my life have been mostly awful with very few redeeming qualities. I've been putting a lot of thought into my future but I still can't figure out what to do, and everyone is pressuring me on what college I'll go to or what I'll be when I can't really answer any of that with my life being the mess it is currently. Speaking of myself, I think maybe I'll change this year, even if it's subtle, I hope I figure out what I want to do with my life or I might end up searching forever. It feels like I'm truly alone now that I've graduated and I have no one but myself, even when back then I wouldn't even go to school. I'll probably never see any of them again as most of the people I was comfortable with have moved out, some have promised to see me again but I honestly don't believe they will and that's okay since they will probably be with better company than a boring and immature person like me. This is probably the most I've ever talked about myself in this website, but I felt like it needed to be said and it's probably the closest of what a blog is meant to be. I'll probably alternate between those 2 formats whenever I think of something to write about.